You don’t listen to her, you don’t care how it hurts, when you lose the one you wanted cuz he’s taken you for granted…

[Lyrics credit: If I Were a Boy by Beyoncé]
Good morning my faithful followers! Let me start out by APOLOGIZING for my temporary hiatus. I am not proud to admit that I got caught up in something that distracted me from my focus on myself. YES, I admit it, I FELL FOR A BOY! Despite my better judgment in all the blog posts I have written WARNING all you ladies from getting deterred from your personal focus I foolishly allowed myself to do EVERYTHING I have encouraged you all NOT to do. I should start following my own advice…..
*WARNING* Long post ahead! Gotta make up for lost time right?
It all started last year, on Valentines Day (the horrible Hallmark holiday that I don’t even believe in) I was perfectly fine staying home alone like I do EVERY Valentines Day, but the Universe had other plans for me. The short version, I met a boy. Not just any boy though, oh no, on this night I met THE boy. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I have possibly known he was THE boy after just one chance encounter? Well, that’s easy: I just knew. He was the first boy I had ever met who had shared SO many of the same interests as me (including all the geeky stuff most people tell me NOT to share with anyone I am trying to date). I’m talking about nerdy decals on both of our cars, nerdy inspired tattoos, overwhelming knowledge of films that the vast majority knows nothing about, the whole nine yards.
Okay so let’s get to the good stuff right? So we exchanged Instagram information and I decided to get in touch with him later in the week.
Yeah…
I messaged him first, this is 2016 after all, and what can I say? He intrigued me. We exchanged some witty banter, very sarcastic and hilarious, and then he asked me out. I have to put this in quotes so you can all see what I saw:

Boy: Do you like horror films?
Girl: Yes! I love them!
Boy: Well, there is this theater that I love going to, they do this thing called Friday Night Frights, and this friday they’re doing Tales from the Dark Side…
Girl: Oh! that’s awesome!
Boy: So would you like to… hehe… go with me? :)”

Yep. Just like that. So simple. So adorable. I should have known right there that I was doomed. But this is ME we are talking about. I wanted nothing SERIOUS from this boy. And to be quite honest, I had previously been told some things about this boy which should have been enough to conclude that he was not someone to get involved with! But, me being me, I gave the benefit of the doubt. I mean, the information I had received DID come from his ex-girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned right? Maybe I should make my own judgments instead of basing them on an ex-girlfriend’s opinions right? So, I said yes, and I went on this “date” keeping my guard up with no intention of letting this boy in because I had NO desire to get mixed up with this boy! And I even told him this! I told him I was not looking for a boyfriend, that I did not want him to get any ideas of me being one of those girls who says one thing but does another, secretly planning to trap him in some awful “relationship” scenario. I was trying to hold my independent, free-spirited ground.
Fast forward (please) over the next few weeks of spending a good amount of time together, usually brought about by the boy because I wanted nothing to do with any couple-like behavior! Allow me to now bring the focus to a certain conversation between this boy and myself where he said, and I quote:
Boy: You’re so closed off. Like you have these walls up and I never know what  you’re thinking from one moment to the next.
Girl: Well this is due to my past. I have had some struggles that have left some scars and while I wear them proudly without regret I have learned to be wary of who I open up. Not that I look at everyone the same but in my experience every time I have let down my guard for someone it has resulted in me being hurt.
Boy: Well I want you to open up to me.
[girl lets out a quiet giggle]
Boy: I‘m serious! I know you have been let down in the past but I want you to know that you can come to me for anything. I want to be someone you can count on to always be there for you no matter what.”
No, this is not an exaggeration, he actually said that. This boy actually made me feel BAD for being so closed off, for keeping him at an arm’s length and he assured me that he would not hurt me like so many had before. Oh silly, naive Kara, actually falling for some stereotypical boy talk! Tell me ladies, how many of you have been told something similar by a boy, only to discover him pulling a disappearing act as soon as you begin to open up! But I dunno, I trusted the things he said, I really wanted to believe he meant it. So, this strong independent girl and her sturdy wall (constructed entirely from the sweet talk and empty promises fed to her from all the ghosts of bad boys past) went ahead and hired an entire demolition team specifically trained in the art of tearing down metaphorically built walls. And now you are probably wondering what was discovered in the rubble after this great wall of protection came down… I’m glad you asked!
One word: Vulnerability. Ah yes, just what every girl just wants, to be vulnerable with a boy. [she said with a heavily implied sarcastic undertone]
Okay, this story is looking more like a novel as each paragraph goes on. Let me try to wrap this up.
So, I generously opened up and bestowed my trust in this boy, a boy I put no pressure or demands on other than one simple request that we just remain honest with one another. Like, “Hey we aren’t in a relationship, you’re not my boyfriend, you’re free to do whatever you want and all I ask is for you to please not keep secrets from me. Seeing as we are both adults, participating in an adult relationship of some kind, I think it is only fair to share with one another if we choose to take part in adult activities with anyone else. I mean out of respect to the other person (especially for health reasons)”. I really didn’t think this was an unreasonable request. Some people might even say that it was very open-minded and totally cool of me. Not this boy. Nope! This boy found the request to be asking SO much of him! How dare I ask such a thing. I mean, sure there are girls who demand a ring after sharing the amount of time we had spent together, but not this girl. No way. This girl merely asks the boy to show her a tiny bit of respect.
Do boys understand that not ALL girls do this as a manipulation tactic to gain ammunition for a fight? Some girls actually just prefer to maintain their independence by being entitled to having a choice. Those little details will spare the girl of the potential hurt that usually results from being misled and ultimately finding out (trust me we always find out). I mean, excuse me for wanting to hold onto even an OUNCE of dignity and control over my life, forgive me for expressing to a boy that he is free to do as he pleases while only asking him to AT LEAST allow me the power to CHOOSE whether or not I want things to continue if such situation were to arise. His defense? Oh you are going to LOVE this:

Boy: Well you never asked me if I was okay with those terms.
Girl: You mean the terms of me saying you can do whatever you want but please be honest with me if you sleep with someone else? Those terms?
Boy: Yeah, well, sorry but you’re obviously more than just a “friends with benefits” to me and being honest with you about that made me uncomfortable.
Girl: If I mean more to you than a “friends with benefits” than why are you treating me like I’m less than that?
Boy: ……”

Remember earlier when I said the thing about me giving the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. Add that to the whole “vulnerable” thing and I’m sure you can all guess that there was no moment where a little imaginary light bulb turned on reminding me that I know better than to believe things could ever be different. No, sadly this previously strong independent girl went ahead and did the most idiotic thing possible…. she fell for the guy! *dramatically smacks self on the forehead*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

Yeah, you guessed it, it happened again! Let me help you out guys, just in case any of you decide to use this tactic to exhibit some sort of  “rebellion” or in an attempt to prove yourself that you’re a MAN and your business is yours alone. When you do something that you know is wrong and you keep it to yourself, you feel guilty (duh we learn that in like Kindergarten). Of course, in this case, it’s just so silly because technically he was entitled to do whatever he wanted. But the whole “secret keeping” was wrong because he knew all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. Anyway, the guilty feelings just sit in your subconscious eating away at you creating a rather annoying inner dialogue driving you CRAZY and as a result who essentially gets punished? The guy keeping the secret he knows he doesn’t have to be keeping? Oh no, NEVER! Me, the unassuming girl who has done nothing but blindly trust you and do whatever she can to continue building a strong friendship with you, the lying boy! Grrr.
Don’t worry, the end’s not near, it’s here (Band of Horses lyric. Kudos to you if you caught that one). So here we are, present day, and let me take this time to emphasize that this boy is actually a really great guy. And no I am not saying that as some sad little girl who wants to make the world believe he is a good guy but in reality, he treats her terribly. I am saying this as a girl who made plenty of mistakes during the duration of our… whatever it was… it takes two to tango right? Did that boy make some poorly executed decisions? Sure. Did his lack of communication skills make things 10 times more difficult than they needed to be causing little things to be blown tremendously out of proportion? Definitely. But at the same time, when we met he expressed to me that he was unable to handle any sort of relationship at that point in time. So the fault doesn’t lie with either one or the other, the reality is that neither he nor I expected to enjoy each others company as much as we did, and that can be really difficult to handle, especially if you don’t feel like you’re ready for something like that.
In the whole mess of hormones and logic and feelings, ultimately it comes down to this: we are all human. We all find ourselves getting lost in things that are out of our control, but it is our responsibility to either find our way out, or consciously continue therefore no longer being lost. I do not regret a moment I spent with that boy because let me tell you, I had some of the most amazing moments with him, things I doubt I would have ever experienced had I not met him. And, despite the pain I endured, I can still honestly say that he is my best friend. He was there for me for so many mind-numbing talks and he comforted me so many times when he really didn’t have to. The guy who after knowing me a mere four months surprised me with my first trip to Comic-Con for free and accompanied me to my semi-unbearable family functions. He was suffered through endless text messages of my ramblings even when he had no idea who I was talking about. Brainstorming solutions to an insane amount of problems that continued to slam me time and time again. And while I can easily say “I never asked for this, I never asked to fall in love with him” he can say the same thing about me. He never asked for this, he never asked for me to fall in love with him. It’s not like he would ever want to lose our friendship. In a million years I know he would never want that.
Unfortunately, even with my level-headed mature reasoning, I cannot end this without admitting the embarrassing truth. That I am broken. Nothing feels the same anymore. There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed because facing a day that doesn’t involve him doesn’t even feel worth it. Call me dramatic, go ahead, I don’t care. There was a time where I could care less about dating and then something I didn’t even know I was looking for went ahead and found me. And when it did it was like this weight was just lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I could finally breathe again. I have never known what it felt like to be sure of anything in my entire life until I met him. Now even breathing hurts. Every song I hear and every movie I watch finds a way to remind me of him and it just hurts. And the worst part about all of this is that the one person I want to call who would normally make me feel like everything is going to be okay, I can’t even call. No matter how hard I want to try and make him understand how this feels I just know he will never understand. In his mind, it is just something that happened, something we didn’t mean to happen, but it happened and the only thing left to do is move on. I would literally give anything for his ability to just push things to the back of my mind and move on. But I can’t. All I can do is sit and wonder if this pain will ever go away. I have been in relationships before and obviously, I have gotten over those relationships but the reality is that every guy I have ever dated I always knew wouldn’t last. There was always some very OBVIOUS reason for why it was only temporary. This guy is different. I just wish I could somehow share this with him, without the possibility of him thinking I am just some sad little girl. I just wish he knew that he is the most important person in my life, and how meaningless and empty this life now feels without him.
Don’t people realize that they are capable of completely destroying others? Is it that your self-worth is so low that you find the possibility of affecting someone completely unfathomable?
Well, newsflash, you matter. You’re capable of hurting others. And if you’re going to assume the responsibility of making someone feel good then don’t run away when those good feelings turn bad. Remember, it takes two to tango.
xo. Kara Love

It’s like you’re homesick for a place that no longer exists

 

Good evening everyone. I know it has been a while, I have been without a laptop for some time, plus I finally got a job and it has been SUPER busy at work.

Today’s post was inspired by the lovely film Garden State. I would like to start off by saying that this movie was such an important movie in my life. It was the first indie film I ever saw and back then I always wondered why it affected me so much. There was nothing really that relate-able about it, besides family issues I guess, which everyone can really relate to right?

Recently I watched this movie again for the first time in a while. It has been about 9 years since the movie came out, which if you have seen it you know that it has been 9 years since Zach Braff’s character has been home, and he is going for his mom’s funeral. His mom had drowned in the bathtub, and as most of you know my mom recently passed away, also by drowning in the bathtub. I thought it really odd that 9 years after I first saw the film my mom passed away in the same manner as his character in the film, and that he is trying to connect with himself after feeling numb for so long, which is what I have recently been dealing with also. Also, his relationship with his father is a struggle as is mine, communication wise, it is all very similar.

This really got to me because as I said earlier I always wondered why I connected with the film so much and then fast forward 9 years and I feel exactly like his character. Especially when he says this quote:

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.”

If you haven’t seen the movie I highly recommend that you do, it is definitely a MUST SEE movie.

 

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: I’ll Show You by Justin Beiber]

 

Am I Just a Fool? Blind and stupid for loving you?

[Lyrics Credit: Nicki Minaj “Grand Piano”]

I’m back everyone! I had been locked out of my blog because of some two-step verification issues but I got in contact with WordPress support and they saved my life!

Anyway sorry to come back on such a sad note with today’s blog post. Well it’s not really sad, or it doesn’t have to be, I guess it depends on how you look at it. But the song quoted above is honestly a favorite of mine right now because it is a really pretty song with piano and violins (I love the violin) and the lyrics are easy to relate to.

Now I know everyone has been in that situation where all their friends keep telling them to stop talking to the person they like. “he’s an asshole you need to just stop talking to him” or “she’s a bitch and she’s just using you!” Yeah, we’ve all heard it right? But the problem is that even if we do listen it doesn’t really stick because we are technically doing it for someone else and not making the decision on our own. So even if we know they’re right it doesn’t mean we can just do what they say.

Another problem is like, they don’t really know the person like we do, and maybe the person isn’t REALLY an asshole or a bitch. Maybe they’re actually really great, but they just live their life to different standards than others, thus making it hard to comprehend. But even so, that still qualifies as someone you probably shouldn’t invest so much time into because the outcome if never going to be what you want it to be.

In all reality, it’s not about a decision between choosing them or choosing to listen to everyone else, it’s a decision between choosing them or choosing you. And that choice is never easy nor do people frequently make the right one. But if you come to a crossroads similar to this one just remember: if you don’t love yourself how can you expect to love someone else? With that being said, is the choice really that hard?

Choose you.

Xoxo.

[Currently listening to Grand Piano by Nicki Minaj]

Hello My Old Heart…

 

[lyrics credit: The Oh Hellos]

  Good evening friends and blog readers. I must say life has been so stressful lately that I find it hard to even do the thing that most relieves my stress lol. I’m trying to get better about making time to write but with the job hunt I struggle to make any time for myself really.

To make matters worse, on top of job stress, I’ve been pounded into the ground by having these “feelings” that won’t seem to go away, no matter how hard I try. I’m sure you’ve all been there right? It’s the worst. Like I could be a championship fighter and still get defeated by this situation time and time again. I used to be much more qualified at dealing with matters of the heart. And by that I mean I used to purposely not allow my heart to have any feeling at all because of the inevitable outcome of disappointment or heartbreak. Years ago I lived in such a way that I felt protected from any chance of getting hurt. I approached everything with kid gloves and never allowed anyone the opportunity to really know me or get close to me at all. At the end of the day I would leave before they even knew what hit them, “leave before you’re left” was my motto. It felt pretty solid.

Only problem there was that even though I may not have been experiencing “getting hurt”, I was most definitely hurting myself, not to mention how lonely it was. So lonely. People these days just don’t realize how vital it is to have human relationships. Everyone nowadays is just so broken beyond repair that it makes it impossible to get close to anyone. And that isn’t right, people need people and that’s a fact, no matter how badly we want to resist getting close to someone. What are we resisting anyway? Feeling cared about? Being comforted when we need it? Having support from someone who believes in us? More than half the time the reason anything ends is because shit gets too real and subconsciously we begin to resist and the other person feels it and then they start to get paranoid or worry and then the fighting happens and then the end. Not like the fairy tales we heard growing up eh? Yeah, not even close.

The point is that we all want to be close to someone but we don’t want to give up our sense of freedom and that is not what it’s about. Being with someone isn’t supposed to make u feel tied down or trapped it’s supposed to make you feel loved? What’s that he says in Breakfast at Tiffany’s? When she says “I won’t let anyone put me in a cage” and he says “I don’t want to put you in a cage I want to love you”. And then he tells her how the only one who has put her in a cage is herself and etc. which is so true. Even on Grey’s anatomy she says “boundaries don’t keep people out they fence you in” and you can try to act like you’re in control of your life by doing so but you’re not. You begin to live under the control of all the bullshit rules you put on yourself to make sure that you don’t ever let anyone care about you. Sounds like a lovely life to live. And why is it that in the act of resistance we ALWAYS sleep with someone. Why is THAT the act that liberates us from being loved? Like oh yeah I’m feeling so out of control with this whole “relationship” thing so I’m just gonna go have some random dirty empty sex because THAT will make me feel better. Man, human beings are so much more messed up in the grand scheme of things.

So at this point I’m at a cross roads of what I do next. Do I revert to my old ways of just not letting anyone get close to me? Or, since because I have already gotten this far, do I continue to be open to the idea of bein loved in hopes to find someone who may actually do it? I have to decide quickly because I’m already beginning to shut myself off to the whole idea of these annoying emotions.

Hello my old heart, it’s been so long, since I’ve given you away. And every day, I add another stone to the wall I’ve built around you, to keep you safe.”

-The Oh Hellos-

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Hello My Old Heart by: The Oh Hellos]

Someday You Will Be Loved

Hello everyone. Sorry it has been so long since my last post, let’s just say life isn’t going exactly right these days. But that is just the way life is huh?

Today’s post was inspired by not only the amazing Deathcab for Cutie song but also by so many different life experiences I’ve had which I’m sure so many of you have had also. Sometimes no matter how badly you want something to work out with someone they just don’t feel the same way. Yeah it hurts, oh boy does it hurt, might even hurt so bad you’re unsure if you’ll ever recover. But in the end you always do.

You’ll be loved you’ll be loved, like you never have known, and your memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. Just a series of blurs like I never occurred. Someday you will be loved”

Its so so funny though because in the moment you think you’ll NEVER move on from that person and when everyone says you will you just freak out like “no I won’t don’t tell me I will get over them because I’ll never love anyone else for as long as I live!” But we all know that’s being a bit dramatic. I mean half the time we only think we love someone just to realize later how we may have liked them a lot but we definitely didn’t love them. Not to discredit or dismiss anyone’s feelings of course, it’s just that things always seem much bigger in the moment than they really are.

As for me, I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum, I have been the one hurting someone telling them they’ll move on from me and I’ve also been the one being let down easy. It all hurts just the same. It’s never fun to end things with someone even if you don’t feel the same way they do you still feel something for them. Which is something to remember when someone ends it with you, you must know that they do care and they do want you to be happy, if they didn’t they would just keep stringing you along for their own benefit.

I think it’s important to be the bigger person and end something if you don’t think you’ll be able to give them what they want. Because if you just keep things the way they are, knowing they like you more than you like them, that makes you an asshole. I know it’s hard because even if you don’t like someone more than a friend it’s comforting to have someone there for you and everyone knows regular sex isn’t the biggest downside in the world haha. But if you’re the one who doesn’t want things to move forward than unfortunately it’s your responsibility to end things.

Xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Someday You Will Be Loved by: Deathcab for Cutie]

today

I’ve been up and oh I don’t sleep enough

 

Insomnia:

i: Intelligent

n: Nightly

s: Sessions

o: Observing

m: Many

n: Necessary

i: Ideas

a: Accordingly

Yeah, that about sums it up. I don’t know how many of you out there suffer this dreadful curse but I for one have always been so curious. Like why do all the thoughts my mind could ever think of have to enter my mind all at the same time and only during the late night hours? This, I now realize, may be the reason I happen to be so curious about this issue at 1:30 in the morning.

Don’t get me wrong, some of my most brilliant ideas have sparked my brain in the late night hours, definitely more than half of these blog posts even. I guess it has never really bothered me before, besides when I happen to have someone sleeping next to me, but there are times I wish I could control it.

I like to think that those who suffer from insomnia are among some of the most brilliant. I mean that’s gotta be the case right? Part of the reason all of these thoughts race through my mind has to be a product of pure intelligence. Perhaps there is just so much knowledge stored in my head that when all is calm and quiet my brain waves find it as the best time to create chaotic travel running a million miles a minute.
Whatever the case may be, I find myself wide awake, wondering if there may be a simple way to quiet all the questions. Other than Xanax or Ambien of course.

xoxo.

[Listening to Dead Oaks by: Now, Now]

I found a friend or should I say a foe…

 

I would apologize for so much time passing since my last post, but I have been so determined to find a job (like an actual paying job lol). It is pretty difficult being unemployed.

For today I wanted to write about friendship. There are different types of friendships we encounter in our lives: best friends, acquaintances, life-long friends, and of course, toxic friends. I have found that I have made SO many friends in the 27 years I have been alive and out of all of them I hate to admit that a majority were toxic. The reason I say I hate to admit that is because no one likes to come to the realization that someone they have dedicated so much to ended up being someone who was actually using them. Unfortunately that is the reality of making friends, sometimes you are going to be in a situation where you are giving so much to someone who not only doesn’t return the same treatment, but they also take you for granted.

I remember being a kid watching the TV show Friends and I would think to myself “wow. I cannot wait to grow up so I can live in a fancy New York apartment with my friends all living close by and then one of them turning out to be my soulmate who I marry and we all still meet for coffee every day and do everything together”. Man, if only that were real, right? I am not saying it isn’t real, I mean my older brother has had the same friends since he was in elementary school and they all still manage to get together, even though most are married and some have kids. I don’t know, maybe it’s my generation that is filled with such narcissistic people, who get a real kick out of draining people emotionally.

The worst part is that it is SO hard to tell when a friend you have made is toxic. Especially someone like me who LIVES to just be there for people and give them all I have. The title of this post was inspired by a song titled “Trust Me” by The Fray. There is a verse of the song that goes:

Looking for something I’ve never seen
Alone and I’m in between
The place that I’m from and
The place that I’m in
A city I’ve never been
I found a friend or should I say foe
Said there’s a few things you should know
We don’t want you to see
We come and we go
Here today, gone tomorrow”

I think the main part of that verse that speaks to me is the line that says “we don’t want you to see we come and we go”. What I have discovered with toxic friends is that they are so skilled at deceit. They cannot allow you to know that they are not true friends because then they cannot get what they want from you. Let’s face it, most people won’t give everything they have to someone, who may just up and disappear  at any given moment. I don’t want to sit here and blame all my downfalls on toxic friendships, I know that I am solely responsible for any and all mistakes I have made, but I do think that if I hadn’t clung so hard to unhealthy friendships I might be slightly better off at this point in my life.

If I say who I know it just goes to show
You need me less than I need you
Take it from me
We don’t give sympathy
You can trust me trust nobody
But I said you and me
We don’t have honesty
The things we don’t want to speak
I’ll try to get out but I never will
Traffic is perfectly still”

I think that verse is my absolute favorite out of the whole song. If I am speaking on behalf of myself I will say that it makes me feel quite vulnerable when I admit to someone that I don’t really have THAT many close friends. Especially if the person I am speaking to is someone that has a solid group of really great friends. But this verse which is basically displaying a conversation between people where one is saying that admitting their lack of friends will unveil the reality that they are more in need of the person than the other way around. And the other is manipulating them by assuring they can be trusted but no one else can. A lie that so many of us have been guilty of believing. In the end the first person realizes that there is no honesty in their relationship but easily admits that no matter how hard they will try to detach from the other, they never will.

This is because in any toxic relationship only one person can hold all the power. The dominant over the submissive. This is so unhealthy and some people don’t even have the luxury of realizing which one they are. At the end of the day we are all equals and should be treated as such, whether its a boyfriend/girlfriend, or just a friend. If you go home after spending time with a friend and you feel empty or unhappy in any way then something is wrong. The sooner you realize this and stand up for yourself the faster you can remove this toxic friend from your life and make room for healthy loving friends. Someone like me, who finds more solace in friendships than with my own family, it is very crucial that I no longer waste time allowing negative people to grab ahold of me.

We’re only taking turns, holding this world.

It’s how it’s always been, when you’re older you will understand”

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to Trust Me by: The Fray]