Alive

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Good evening (morning?) my favorite blog readers! Before I get into tonight’s entry I wanted to let you all know that I am the author of the poem in the above picture. It is called Alive. I added it to a photo of a sunset using a simple app on my iPhone (called Overgram) which is how I made it look like something you find on Pinterest and tumblr and etc. I wrote that poem last year, around the end of the summer I believe, when I was really struggling to get a grip on reality.

So tonight I am feeling pretty random. I sometimes find that my new life has become so mundane, filled with the same routine, overflowing with normalcy. Never before have I wanted a life like this and now I am kind of stuck in it due to my unfortunate past of poor decision making. You see, I have never felt that I was fit for this kind of basic standard of living, sometimes I feel trapped in a false sense of security and I just want to scream. But, instead, I play the part and try to find a way to cure this mind numbing boredom (you know without mind altering substances).

I wrote a poem once, I called it “carousel”. It was about my life and how it feels like I am constantly spinning in circles, like the horses on the carousel, and I am just begging for something to make it stop. But no matter what I do nothing seems to slow it down enough. Yeah, some of those “quick fixes” helped trick myself into thinking the ride was finally over, but then everything would just speed up again. I could never quite get both feet firmly on the ground.

If you read my last blog you might have noticed the quote “we accept the love we think we deserve.” One of my favorites from Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (highly recommend reading the book AND seeing the movie). Anyways, when I heard that, something in my head kind of clicked. I never wanted to believe in love, I never thought I deserved it, so I picked guys who I knew wouldn’t last. I believed things always end so why prolong the inevitable? I began a vicious cycle of self-sabotage to avoid getting hurt but all it did was leave me less than whole. And ultimately the things I ended up doing to people (friends and family included) to prevent them from getting too close made me feel like I did not deserve good things. I mean who can honestly love someone who cannot even love herself?

Today I am happy to say that I feel I am someone new. I learned the hard way that “numbing the pain for a while makes it worse when you actually feel it” (HP fans that’s perfectly quoted by good ol’ Albus Dumbledore). I am so sick and tired of running away from my emotions, I want to feel something real, even if it is pain. I want to be reminded that I am alive, and that I am not fading away from this beautiful existence that I am so lucky to still be around to appreciate. So yeah, maybe this life I’m living right now isn’t for me, and maybe it never will be. But I am willing to play the part, because just like every good story, you gotta go through some stupid crap, to get to the good stuff right? And I really cannot wait for the good stuff!

Goodnight everyone and thanks for your continued support.

xoxo

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