Happy Friday everyone! Wow am I happy this week is over! This weekend is definitely going to be a fun one so I am going to make this short so I can get going and head out to embark on the adventures that await me!
So for today’s post I wanted to cover this topic that has been REALLY bothering me lately. The thing is, a few years ago my self esteem was SO low, and I use to speak and behave in this manner that was just so appalling. I do not know how anyone could stand to be around me. It isn’t like I didn’t realize it either I really did I just didn’t care. I was all like “whatever this is me and I am not going to change for anyone bla bla bla” totally lame and annoying. The point is that it wasn’t me. It was just this girl I was pretending to be because I thought that is what guys wanted to hear or see or whatever. So I would speak about sex and act like I was so “down” for anything. Really just class-less behavior. The worst part is that I played the part so well that no one ever saw how much it was destroying me inside. They all thought “wow Kara is such a down ass girl” or “I wish I could be like Kara and sleep with a guy and not let it bother me. She is so strong and independent” and etc.
I mean I heard tons of different stuff from both guys and girls. And yeah of course I was extremely independent, I had to be, I was ALONE. Oh and strength, yeah I had plenty of that, from building that massive wall up around my emotions to protect me from feeling anything at all. Problem is that not feeling anything also made it easier for me to hurt others and not give a shit either. So in a sense I was one doing to others what I was so afraid of being done to me. And all that trashy whore talk really didn’t attract the most positive attention (imagine that right?) So I always ended up with these ASSHOLES who literally thought they could treat me however they wanted and I would be… how do you guys put it again? Oh yeah, “down”, so freaking stupid. But could I blame them? Uh, no, I mean I was basically playing this part of a girl who was like that. Unfortunately this is real life and not a TV show or a movie so it is not like I could just break character whenever I wanted. Hey, my ex boyfriend always said what an amazing actress I was, so I would just wait until I got home to wallow in self pity and cry about how much I loathed my existence.
I know this same subject can bring up controversial subjects like rape where the same argument can be said about how girls behave a certain way but it doesn’t mean they deserve to be raped. and I totally agree with you 100% because no definitely means no. I am not by any means saying that during this identity crisis of mine that I was constantly taken advantage of. However, I do agree that as women if we choose to put up that facade for men, then we need to be ready to deal with the consequences and we may not like what they are. It is your right as a woman to behave however you like and just because you act like you love sex and want it all the time “no strings attached” it doesn’t mean you actually do. But you DO see that in doing so you may give off the wrong impression and get yourself stuck in a predicament every now and then, resulting in being called names like “slut” “tease” or even worse, you may get an asshole that thinks you owe him what you lead on.
Anyways, what I came to figure out, was that all of my self destruction was created by me. I mean sure I had help from the guys I allowed in my life because of how little I valued my self worth. But even if I thought highly of myself and acted more like a lady I wouldn’t have ever permitted those guys to be in my life nor would I have allowed myself to be degraded in some of the ways I have been. Now when I see girls act a certain way or speak in a vulgar manner it honestly just gets under my skin. I just hear them say “well this is me I can’t change who I am” and I want to just smack them. I have been there, this is not you, stop lying to yourself.
To be completely 100% open and honest here I will tell you that there are things from my past that still haunt me to this day. I mean, nightmares and paranoia, just absolute fear. I am not sure I will ever really forget it and I am not sure I want to. Because it has really opened my eyes to how bad things can get when you don’t respect yourself. I have met women out there, BEAUTIFUL young women, that have so much potential but are so lost. It breaks my heart and it makes me so thankful that I no longer feel as if I am worthless.
We are women. We have so much power and some of us don’t even know it. And no, it isn’t just in our body or our looks. It is in our mind. I guarantee the more secure you become with yourself the more confidence you’ll gain and the more positive feedback you’ll get. If you act like a little girl you will not only be treated like one but you will end up with a little boy. If you think you’re ready for an adult relationship then you need to act like one.
Also, a real man/woman doesn’t send pictures of his privates via text message when you first meet and aren’t even dating. So if you ask for them you risk turning him off for fear of thinking you are either immature or promiscuous, OR you will get a picture in which case he is probably a complete tool. Doesn’t anyone believe in romance and seduction anymore?
Everyone just wants their quick fix, their instant gratification, no work all play.
[Currently listening to: “Silhouettes” By Of Monsters & Men]