Welcome back to reality everyone. The weekend is over and it is back to the work week. I must say I do love working full-time, even though I only get two days off, it really makes me appreciate that free time.
There are many weekends I have where I am fully booked with plans of going out with friends drinking or going to movies. But my favorite part about weekends is the time I have to reflect on my life; where I have come from, where I am now, and where I could be going.
This past weekend was one of reflecting. As I thought about my past, all of the things I have done, it really got me thinking. I can count a number of things that most people would probably judge me for and swear they can’t imagine how I could have done something like that. Now don’t get me wrong, I am fully aware of the things I have done, and some of them definitely are not easy to take ownership of. But hello… I am human. We ALL do things we are not proud of and we are all capable of doing terrible things no matter how high and mighty we think we are. Just because you haven’t done something to the equivalent of what I have done does NOT mean you have any right to look down on me. I may have not been a role model but despite my poor choices I am still like everyone else
I’m not their hero but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t brave.
I’m not your hero but that doesn’t mean we’re not one and the same.”
Moving away from thoughts on the past to where I am today, and I think I have written this before, I am so shocked at everything turning out the way it has. It makes me feel as if I am living inside of a dream or something. Like at any moment I could wake up and not be here. Full time job, living on my own, surrounded by family and friends… Who knew right? People try to make me feel bad for things I have done, but really I just feel like they might be unhappy with where they landed in their lives, so they bring up my past to see if I will break down or something. Those who do not know my past and are meeting me as I am now just cannot believe that was who I used to be and this is where I have made it to. I think that is the best part, people being as surprised as I am, it literally brings a smile to my face. Obviously there are times when I cannot help but let it bring me down. When myself or others point out the darkest parts of my life, time that I lost and won’t ever get back, traumatic memories I won’t ever be rid of, it feels like I’m just constantly being chased by something that will eventually catch up to me. But then I realize that without all of that I wouldn’t know as much about myself as I do now. There was so much I needed to discover and it is what brought me to where I am today.
Learning all I know now, losing all I did.
I never used to feel like I’d be standing so far ahead”
That is pretty much what it comes down to at this point. I have been through a lot of shit, no more or less than anyone else, just my own. I am sure that it is not over because I am only 26 and I know the type of person I am. I do not take the easy way through anything. I love a challenge even if that means I slip and fall along the way. But I do know that I will keep pushing myself until I am satisfied with who I become. Never once have I actually looked forward to the future… until now.
I do my best to walk the finest line ’till I’ve had all that I can take”
(Photo Credit: Me in Vegas; Taken By: Keira Geary) (Lyrics Credit: “Not Your Hero” by Tegan and Sara)
[Currently Listening to: Gravity by Sara Bareilles]