Well… It sure has been a WHILE. I think the last post I did was before Halloween? And it is already almost Christmas!!! I honestly had this post all ready to go in my mind, but finding the time to sit down and type it out for all of you became difficult, it has been a very busy two months.
I have been thinking a lot lately, about people, and about myself. Mainly the connection between other people and myself. How often I find myself going above and beyond for so many yet finding the same actions are not frequently done in return. I am sure there are many of you out there who feel this way and I know that sometimes it appears almost narcissistic to speak about it. Like “Wow, I literally do EVERYTHING for everyone else and no one ever does anything for me!” haha. But that is not what I am saying. I know plenty of people who ARE there for me and do things for me and I am very appreciative of those people in my life. What I am speaking on is those who constantly take take take until I am pretty much left with nothing more to give and when that time comes those people disappear. They aren’t even honest about it either, I mean AT LEAST admit that you’re only around because you need something, the covert act of pretending to have different ulterior motives is so frustrating. I would much rather someone say “Listen, I am calling you because I need a ride and I am drunk, I know I didn’t invite you out with me tonight but if you pick me up we can go do something else together!” instead of “Hey! I love you! I am DYING to hangout with you!!! I don’t have a ride but if you come here we can go out and have a great time”. Chances are that I will still come get you I just won’t be pissed off when after that night we don’t see each other for another 2-3 months.
I know what most of you are thinking, why even bother with people like that, if in the end none of them are doing the same for me. But you see, I am not the kind of person who does things for others so that I have leverage over them or will receive something in return. I do it because I honestly LOVE helping others. The fact that in the end they are better off than they were before and I was there being a part of that. It isn’t because I have this inner desire to be needed or wanted, even though most people would say that is the reason, that is not always the case. Mainly it is because when I look back on my life and recall all of the times in my life, when all I needed was for someone to BE THERE, even just to listen or talk to me… I remember how I couldn’t get even ONE person on the phone. In these moments where I am thinking about those times, I remember how completely alone I felt, and the thought of someone else experiencing the same thing just makes my heart hurt. It really does. If I could I would make it so NO ONE in the world ever felt that way. That is just who I am.
However, as stated in the RM Drake quote above, it is very ironic that this makes me feel that way. Mainly because thinking over the same moments, the times I felt alone were because of all the people who weren’t there for me, the same people that I had been there for time and time again. When I think about it like that I feel as though I am just being so stupid constantly giving everyone the opportunity to walk all over me. I have some friends who tell me that I need to stop allowing it to happen. Stop hanging out with the same people and stop permitting them to take advantage of my kindness. People say it has been doing it so long that I don’t even realize it happening half the time…
So how do you find the middle? To still be there for people but also being treated with the same respect. Most of the time these “friends” of mine make me feel utterly disposable and that feeling is definitely not the best. Why can’t people just be good to one another all of the time? And if you just need one thing and you don’t prefer to offer anything in return (not even friendship) then just be up-front about it! Even when it comes to guys and girls and relationships: if you just want to hook up and aren’t trying to get caught up in anything serious right now, then say that! You have no idea how many people are in the same position as you and probably want the same thing but they are acting a certain way because they think that is what you want! It is all messy and confusing and annoying, trust me I know.
I am someone who just loves so much. My heart is full of love that I have for the entire world and I want nothing more but to help everyone that I can, and it hurts, it just hurts me down to my core. I have so much faith and hope in humanity despite the fact that most people think I am crazy for thinking anyone or anything will change. But I have changed, I know it and people tell me it, so why can’t anyone else?
I know it seems crazy. I know it is hard to understand why someone would be so willing to do whatever it takes for the ones who barely even recognize what is being done for them. But one thing I do know is that there is always a chance, just a glimpse of hope, that in doing what I do I may inspire others to do the same. And if everyone started to be there for everyone else the possibilities are endless.
[Currently Listening to My Number By: Tegan & Sara