I know what you’re thinking…
It HAS been a while!
I honestly don’t have any reason for my leave of absence, other than a year long downward spiral that I never saw coming, otherwise I would have warned you.
I will reassure you all that I am back and feeling better than ever. I have a job and a new apartment down in Orange County where I am just a block or two from the beach. Life is so good right now it is almost hard to believe that it is my life. Even when my life was good before it was never THIS good. Ok, have I used the word “good” enough times? Lol.
All jokes aside, I always promised raw honesty on this thing, that’s why I started it in the first place, so why quit now? It is 2018 and the world we live in can be a really dark place. I am not entirely sure how I can share about the things I have done and seen in the last couple years, the only thing I am sure of is that I never again wish to ever venture down into that darkness.
I am not sure why people do the things they do. We are given this life with all sorts of beauty and culture and experiences but somewhere along the line we risk it all for something fleeting and tragic. I have never been so unbelievably aware of how broken we are until now. I have lived my entire life fighting for some small piece of happiness when I truly can’t even put into words what the term really means. My only understanding of it is what I have seen in movies or on television, or what I perceive to be happy in others. Is that the reality of it all? That every person on this planet is struggling to be this thing that no one can even prove exists?
Before I go on I should probably explain that I am living in Orange County due to my own darkness, which led me to seek treatment down here, and attempt to piece myself back together. I am currently 3 months and 13 days sober and I am continuing to work on my recovery every day. I know some of my family members would advise against me being so open about my afflictions, especially online for the world to see, but I honestly have no shame in regards to my past. It has led me to becoming who I am.
What I will do is spare the gorey details of what held its grip on me for the last year or so.
The important thing is for me to own my reckless decisions and move forward from them. I have come to learn so much about myself and I am grateful every day for that.
I still live each day with the pain of knowing how many others are out there suffering, but one thing I have learned is that it is not my pain to carry anymore. It took me long enough, but I am finally ready to grow up. 30 years old seems like just the right time. ❤
[Currently Listening to …And They Escaped the Weight of Darkness By: Olafur Arnalds]