I want Love to conquer all. But Love can’t conquer anything. It relies on us to do the conquering on its behalf.

Before I start I would like to share that I am currently job hunting which has taken up a lot of my time (hence the gap since the last post). To make matters worse I had the post all typed up and ready and then my nephew accidentally messed with my computer and it erased it. So I have tried to re-write it to the best of my ability. Let’s see how it goes.

    Relationships are hard. Whoever says differently are just kidding themselves. I think my favorite response to this is when people say “If you truly love the person then relationships are easy”. Pardon my language but that is bullshit. As soon as you involve the word LOVE it makes things a million times harder! Even when it becomes difficult people still pretend that everything is going just fine. It always amazes me when people know something is wrong but insist on ignoring it, as if that will make it go away. They avoid confrontation and end up boiling in resentment until they explode.

   This is how it starts: Boy meets girl (or girl meets boy) and nothing else seems to matter. Butterflies are in your stomach and it is almost as if you can take over any obstacle life throws at you. Your eyes light up while you tell people about them and you can envision the rest of your life going exactly as you always wanted.

This is what love does: It makes you want to rewrite the world. It makes you want to choose the characters, build the scenery, guide the plot. The person you love sits across from you, and you want to do everything in your power to make it possible, endlessly possible. And when it is just the two of you alone in a room, you can pretend that this is how it is. This is how it’s going to be”. -David Levithan

Then when it is over, this depression hangs in the air as if the world is coming to an end, it is almost unbearable. Looking back over the past however many years dissecting every little detail trying to figure out what it is you did that brought things to the end. It goes on like this until someone new comes along and BAM! the world stops and all of that pain dissipates with the hope that this may be the one you have been waiting for. It is the exact definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

The moment you fall in love it feels like it has centuries behind it, generations- all of them rearranging themselves so this precise, remarkable intersection could happen. In your heart, in your bones, no matter how silly you know it is, you feel that everything has been leading up to this. All the secret arrows were pointing here, the Universe and time itself crafted this long ago, and you are just now realizing it. You are just now arriving at the place you’re meant to be”. -David Levithan

       I am not trying to be extremely cynical. Trust me I absolutely LOVE love. I want to be the kind of person that believes there is someone out there just for me. I want to believe that I exist in this world to be there for that someone. But I am just not good at relationships, I never have been, and that is something I am not sure I will ever be good at. I always manage to find flaws, sometimes in them, but mostly in myself. I can predict the end and then I go and cause the end. I do this in an attempt to save myself but end up alone [David Levithan].

    Even if the relationship doesn’t meet its end I still go about the relationship detached and aloof. This behavior usually bothers the person I am with and I know everyone tells me to just try, TRY to change, but why should I change myself for the person who supposedly loves me for who I am? I mean even when I detach, I care, you can be separate from something and still  care about it. That is one concept most people can’t seem to understand.

    Another factor is my taste in guys. I know all the girls reading this can relate. I am all about the troubled boys. The ones who need me to guide them and take care of them. It makes me feel needed and important. But the problem with being a girl who loves a lost boy, is the girl becomes lost herself [David Levithan, Every Day], and that is the beginning of the end. You spent all this time building a relationship and then it’s like one night you left the window open during a storm and everything was destroyed.

The world is broken. But maybe it isn’t that we are supposed to find the pieces and put them back together. Maybe we’re the pieces. Maybe what we’re supposed to do is come together. That is how to stop the breaking”. -David Levithan

   Maybe the fantasy of love doesn’t exist anymore. But maybe that is okay. What is it that everyone always says? Everything is okay in the end, and if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

As for me, I am perfectly happy not holding up to the status quo that everyone seems so hell bent on being apart of, it works for me. What doesn’t work for me is feeling like I have somehow failed because I am three years shy of 30 and not in a serious relationship. Maybe I will get married and maybe I won’t. Maybe I will have kids and maybe I won’t. I don’t know any of that yet. I am in my 20’s and I am living my life. This is the time of adventure and exploration, if during this time I meet someone with the same ideals as me then maybe I will have an adventure with them. I just don’t know. All I know is I am happy, and before this pressure of “falling in love” came over the world, happiness was the ultimate goal in living was it not?

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: School Friends by Now, Now]

I’ve got my mouth. It’s a weapon. It’s a bombshell. It’s a cannon. I’ve got my words. I won’t give mercy

 

Hello everyone! So yeah it has been so long since I’ve written and I apologize for that. Unfortunately some personal matters came up about my blog and I took a break trying to resolve the issues. But I have decided that I love this blog and I am not doing anything on it to offend anyone so why should I stop?

For today’s post I wanted to discuss influences. People who influence us to do things during our life, like role models or even negative opinions. It takes a lot to stand up for what you truly believe in especially if you have people close to you trying to hold you back. It could be friends or lovers doing it out of jealousy or even family members who are so insistent on you being a certain way that they cannot help but try to control your every move. I am not saying I don’t appreciate people who care about me trying to do what they think is best, but at the end of the day I am who I am and I cannot change that.

They say in life you cannot truly love someone until you learn to love yourself. I find that confusing when so many try to tell me who I am and what I should be doing. How am I ever going to love who I am if so many people are telling me who to be? I get so frustrated with this situation it makes me want to scream. How is it that people who love you can disagree with what makes you, you? I didn’t choose to be this way, I can assure you that when I look at others graduating college and starting a career, it makes me wish I had done something similar. But I didn’t. I chose to live the life I have and I don’t regret it. It is just so upsetting when people who are different choose to go against it because they just don’t understand. We cannot all be the same I mean how boring would that be? Who wants to live in a world where everyone is the same and no one disagrees? And more importantly is how can you be so sure that what people are telling you is the right thing to do? I don’t know about all of you but it’s hard for me to trust someone who cannot love and accept me for who I am.

I am 27 years old and I love Harry Potter. That’s right, I absolutely love it, and in my head I still like to believe that something like that exists. I love to write and paint even though it is not making me any money right now. I’m an unconventional type of girl who doesn’t live my life at the hands of a man hoping to be married with tons of babies before I’m 30. I am a free spirit and I go wherever my path leads and sometimes I don’t know where that is. But wherever I end up all I can do is figure it all out as I go along. And that is okay with me. I don’t need a plan or an agenda I just need to live. Isn’t that the point of all of this anyway? To live?

It it feels good to be back.

Xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Fighting for Nothing By Meg & Dia]

You wrecked me when you stepped out, cuz you’re the Wounded Healer, and you’re supposed to stay.

“So God Bless I hear your voice in mine and I wanna stop time like a Carnival Ride”

Hey everyone! Sorry I know it has literally been a month since I posted anything and I feel so bad about it! Unfortunately January isn’t the easiest month for me, especially toward the end, and then comes my birthday. So much fun right?

Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick post in memory of my mom, the one year anniversary of her passing was on January 27th. I will say that it is not something that plagues me constantly. I don’t even care if that bothers some of you because it is just the way it is right now. Some days are better than worse but for the most part, I felt like I lost her a long time ago.

It is never easy losing a parent as I am sure many of you have dealt with similar situations. I think the hardest thing I have had to come to terms with is the fact that I am so much like her. So often I find myself dwelling on the fact that when it comes to my family, the only person who I ever had a chance in understanding me, is now gone.

Even though she wasn’t an active part of my life for the last 15+ years, it was still a comfort knowing she was out there, and could become part of my life at some point. Now that comfort is gone and I have had to just accept that. My only hope is to one day start a family of my own and do all the things that she was unable to do for me.

I will end this post now, I survived the first year as best I could, it only gets easier from this point on… Right?

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Wounded Healer by Watsky]

Happy New Year… 2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 9,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

If I gave you my number, would it still be the same? If I saved you from drowning, promise me you’ll never go away.

 

Well… It sure has been a WHILE. I think the last post I did was before Halloween? And it is already almost Christmas!!! I honestly had this post all ready to go in my mind, but finding the time to sit down and type it out for all of you became difficult, it has been a very busy two months.

I have been thinking a lot lately, about people, and about myself. Mainly the connection between other people and myself. How often I find myself going above and beyond for so many yet finding the same actions are not frequently done in return. I am sure there are many of you out there who feel this way and I know that sometimes it appears almost narcissistic to speak about it. Like “Wow, I literally do EVERYTHING for everyone else and no one ever does anything for me!” haha. But that is not what I am saying. I know plenty of people who ARE there for me and do things for me and I am very appreciative of those people in my life. What I am speaking on is those who constantly take take take until I am pretty much left with nothing more to give and when that time comes those people disappear. They aren’t even honest about it either, I mean AT LEAST admit that you’re only around because you need something, the covert act of pretending to have different ulterior motives is so frustrating. I would much rather someone say “Listen, I am calling you because I need a ride and I am drunk, I know I didn’t invite you out with me tonight but if you pick me up we can go do something else together!” instead of “Hey! I love you! I am DYING to hangout with you!!! I don’t have a ride but if you come here we can go out and have a great time”. Chances are that I will still come get you I just won’t be pissed off when after that night we don’t see each other for another 2-3 months.

I know what most of you are thinking, why even bother with people like that, if in the end none of them are doing the same for me. But you see, I am not the kind of person who does things for others so that I have leverage over them or will receive something in return. I do it because I honestly LOVE helping others. The fact that in the end they are better off than they were before and I was there being a part of that. It isn’t because I have this inner desire to be needed or wanted, even though most people would say that is the reason, that is not always the case. Mainly it is because when I look back on my life and recall all of the times in my life, when all I needed was for someone to BE THERE, even just to listen or talk to me… I remember how I couldn’t get even ONE person on the phone. In these moments where I am thinking about those times, I remember how completely alone I felt, and the thought of someone else experiencing the same thing just makes my heart hurt. It really does. If I could I would make it so NO ONE in the world ever felt that way. That is just who I am.

However, as stated in the RM Drake quote above, it is very ironic that this makes me feel that way. Mainly because thinking over the same moments, the times I felt alone were because of all the people who weren’t there for me, the same people that I had been there for time and time again. When I think about it like that I feel as though I am just being so stupid constantly giving everyone the opportunity to walk all over me. I have some friends who tell me that I need to stop allowing it to happen. Stop hanging out with the same people and stop permitting them to take advantage of my kindness. People say it has been doing it so long that I don’t even realize it happening half the time…

So how do you find the middle? To still be there for people but also being treated with the same respect. Most of the time these “friends” of mine make me feel utterly disposable and that feeling is definitely not the best. Why can’t people just be good to one another all of the time? And if you just need one thing and you don’t prefer to offer anything in return (not even friendship) then just be up-front about it! Even when it comes to guys and girls and relationships: if you just want to hook up and aren’t trying to get caught up in anything serious right now, then say that! You have no idea how many people are in the same position as you and probably want the same thing but they are acting a certain way because they think that is what you want! It is all messy and confusing and annoying, trust me I know.

I am someone who just loves so much. My heart is full of love that I have for the entire world and I want nothing more but to help everyone that I can, and it hurts, it just hurts me down to my core. I have so much faith and hope in humanity despite the fact that most people think I am crazy for thinking anyone or anything will change. But I have changed, I know it and people tell me it, so why can’t anyone else?

I know it seems crazy. I know it is hard to understand why someone would be so willing to do whatever it takes for the ones who barely even recognize what is being done for them. But one thing I do know is that there is always a chance, just a glimpse of hope, that in doing what I do I may inspire others to do the same. And if everyone started to be there for everyone else the possibilities are endless.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to My Number By: Tegan & Sara

Could it be I’m your mirror, showing you everything you have never wanted to face.

For those of you who have been wondering, and for those who haven’t, I have not given up on finding my lost Katerina yet. I can just picture her coming back home with crazy stories about her days on the streets running in the Kitten-Gang lol

For tonight’s post there are a few different things I would like to address. Each of them, although kinda different, are also in relation to one another. In the very least they fall into a similar theme so it really all works out haha. Now even though this post is going to be from a personal point of view, I am going to have to make it clear that in no way am I ever REALLY offended or affected by people’s comments or judgments of me and the way I choose to live my life. Maybe the Kara from like 3 years ago (for sure that girl) but definitely not this one.

So, back to the story of my kitten who (as mentioned above) has been missing for about a week or so, she means the world to me, and I am absolutely devastated with her gone. From that I would like to clearly state that I am a single woman in my mid-twenties.

Wait. You are a girl who likes cats, actually owns a cat, AND you’re single?! So you are going to be alone forever then just get more cats to fill that empty void until you become a crazy cat lady. I mean you should PROBABLY just get a dog”.

Seriously? That is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves, like, OF ALL TIME. I mean really? THAT is actually considered logic when it comes to a single female owning a cat? Honestly how IGNORANT can people really be! Have you ever stopped to think that maybe we like cats because:

  1. They’re cute and small
  2. They’re independent without requiring lots of care
  3. Not too needy so we can still go out with our friends and not worry about walking them and stuff (we are SINGLE duh)

I just think it is so crazy to assume all of these negative stereotypes when it comes to an individual’s personal preferences in living situations and/or pets. Considering the fact that I live in a studio AND I work full time. Not only do I think it would be unfair to have a puppy cooped up in there while I work all day but I just don’t have the time or energy to be needed so damn much when I get off work. So what is with this stigma attached to cats?? Just because I own (and enjoy the company) of kittens that automatically means I am sad and alone? And if that is the case then why is a single girl living alone with only her dog not just as sad? Like, yeah I took tons of pictures of Kat, she is a beautiful kitten and super cute and small so I loved taking pics of her and people constantly called me a cat lady who was gonna be “one of those women old and alone with a million cats”. I get that it is just a figure of speech/ joke but like, WHERE ARE ALL OF THESE WOMEN GIVING YOU THE PROOF TO MAKE THIS STEREOTYPE (and I don’t mean on a TV show I mean in real life). The effed up thing is that I have never heard of someone having a problem with a girl taking a million dog pictures. I am sorry I see WAY more dog Instagram profiles than cats and the dogs are always dressed up in ridiculous outfits with dyed hair and bows and stuff. So let’s be honest, who is REALLY the crazy obsessed pet owner hmmm? Now I am not saying I do not like dogs because I definitely do (like my siblings and friends dogs) but personally I enjoy a pet who isn’t going to lick me all the time with gross saliva everywhere and UGH the freaking barking, like stop already, we ALL hear you okay? You want the ball… we get it.

So people don’t find the whole “barking incessantly for the ball” thing annoying but they complain that:

Cats are assholes. They never want to hangout with you unless THEY feel like it. They won’t let you train them, they basically do whatever they want to do no matter what the owner tries to do/say…”

Okay so let me make sure I am hearing this right: what you’re saying is, that you hate an animal that has a mind of its own, who isn’t in a constant state of demanding your attention and love, BUT they still love you and care to show you affection when they feel it is necessary? Yeah that sounds terrible…. Like I said before I don’t dislike dogs, you are not going to hear me call a dog an asshole, but the constant need for attention and playing and walking… Even typing it out is exhausting me lol. I am 26 years old, I am still barely managing the whole “taking care of myself” routine, I would like to limit the responsibility as much as possible. Kittens are also really cute so its not a real losing situation in the long run. Truth is, if I wanted to go straight from working all day to being ambushed by something with an overwhelming desire/need for my attention and affection, then kept me from doing things for myself because when I tried to I would just hear whining, see puppy dog eyes and feel guilty… I would just go out and get a boyfriend LOL.

Moving on to another topic but sort of in the same retrospect of my personal life choices and relationship status haha… These questions from guys have got to be the very BEST I have ever received:

You live alone? That is so sad. You don’t get lonely?”

Yeah I live alone, no I don’t get lonely, I am not some sad old spinster who sits in my house all day and night wishing I had someone to talk to. I’m 26 and I am a big girl lol. Like I’m sorry but life isn’t like the show Friends (or for you more modern folks How I Met Your Mother) and not everyone has like this solid group of friends that they grew up with and live with and have coffee with instead of working all day…. (Trust me I was just as disappointed as you when I got that terrible wake up call from reality. Thanks a lot Monica and Rachel). Anyway, I used to have roommates and uhm yeah I am actually happy to NEVER go through that again. When I rented rooms with strangers they were always just like awkward forced hangout type deals, like because you live together they think they’re automatically you’re new friend (no I don’t want to hear about your stupid day during my show UGH), then living with friends sucked because someone doesn’t clean or pay bills or ditches out and BAM! Frienship ruined. Don’t EVEN get me started on living with boyfriends… That’s like probably the worst living situation ever lol. So I’ve done it all EXCEPT live alone, until now, because I was scared. Yep, I was all co-dependent and reliant on others to feel safe and happy, yuck! I’m sure it’s not that hard to believe from reading my other posts that I was a totally different girl back then, it’s unfortunately the “norm” to be like super co-dependent and it is so hard to break that habit, but what did it for me was just getting a place to force the change upon myself. And now I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Why don’t you date? That is ridiculous. Let me take you out.”

Okay why aren’t I dating? See I never enjoy answering this question because it’s like any subtle answer I give is never good enough. Guys just continue to push and push thinking that eventually I will like give in and agree to go on this “date” with them. This tactic may work on some girls, you know the girls who actually give their number out even if they really don’t want to, those girls that are just TOO nice to say no because they may hurt your feelings. I, on the other hand, am NOT one of those girls. Does that mean I’m not nice? OF COURSE NOT. I’m actually quite pleasant to be around, I am just a realist, and will be straight-forward with you. I would want the same done in return because no one likes games (unless they’re board games right?). If I want you to have my number you will get it and if not then you won’t, no fake number BS, I don’t believe in giving false hope nor do I have the energy to make one up. So you ask why I don’t date and regardless of what I say you find SOME way to argue why every reason is actually why I SHOULD be dating, until I finally just have to give it to you in the longest most drawn out explanation, and guys you just never like what I have to say….

Dating to me is pointless unless you are in a position that allows you to look at the one you’re with and potentially see someone you could spend your life with. You may not even be close to ready for that kind of commitment, hell I’m not even sure I fully believe in marriage anymore, but to me I don’t see any point to dating someone except for trial and error in search of the guy I spend my life with. I may be a realist and my outlook on relationships may seem cynical but I do believe in soulmates and the only reason I have to go on a date is if I have a gut feeling that he may be it. Sounds crazy but I am intuitive like that and it might not be love at first sight but you can still sense if the time is something worth sparing for them.

Dating is just so awkward and I KNOW you agree. Like, he picks you up and then you’re sitting in the car on the drive, WTF do you even talk about?! How bad everyone else’s driving is? Yep that sounds pretty good. Then how bout more awkward silence and watching each other chew through dinner? Yummy. Oh and how about the questions, like seriously there is not one question on the list of Dating FAQs that I can answer without making the person so unbelievably uncomfortable lol.

  • Childhood- Total wreck masked by happy memories I barely remember since I’m the baby
  • Teen Years- Started out BORING lead to ridiculous years of sex and drugs. (TMI? I tend to do that a lot).
  • Exes only 2 but 1 was abusive/totally messed up my head (still slight PTSD from it… is that awkward?)
  • Siblings-1 Sister who is nothing like me and I am pretty sure hates me more than half the time. 2 brothers who are pretty rad but the age gap is pretty big (ya I am the youngest and now you think I am entitled/spoiled). Oh then I have 1 Step-Sister and 2 Step-Brothers, yet I am STILL the youngest.
  • Parents- This one will be fun. Mom would have been the best out of all of them but she could never get her act together long enough to have a relationship with us (everyone says alcoholic but mainly she just had mental issues x 1000). This resulted with us being raised by an emotionally unavailable Father who’s LIFE is his career (but hey he is a damn good lawyer). He married a woman who pretty much hated us and made our lives hell thus adding on to our already budding intimacy/commitment issues as well as taking away most of my faith in family/marriage/love.
  • My Birthday? February 1st 1988. A day I once celebrated to myself then became shared with my Step-Mom (loving it) and is now also just 5 days after the anniversary of my mom’s death. Did I mention she passed this year? Oh well must have slipped my mind, but yeah about 5 days before my Birthday, it was a “do it yourself ordeal” (TMI again, see I told you, also I tend to be a bit casual with morbidity).
  • Education/Career- Well I am still figuring things out at the beautiful age of 26 (if you get excited by the thought of taking care of someone stop right there because whether I have a career or not NO ONE takes care of me, but me).
  • Above EVERYTHING else I absolutely positively LOVE HARRY POTTER (it is seriously a huge part of my life, with other nerdy obsessions following close behind). You don’t have to like it now but you will like it after we binge watch the movies, and I am a movie fanatic so I hope you enjoy Netflix!

I mean, if that date doesn’t end with an engagement ring, then I don’t even know what this world is coming to! LOL. Okay maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration, I mean I know everyone has their issues, but the difference is that most people kinda hold back until its like safe zone space to unleash the skeletons one by one. I just can’t do it. I am an open book (as you can see from this post as well as all my others) I don’t like to go into something that may end later because of something that they could have known the first night they met me and saved me 2 months of awkward dating haha. I don’t know what it is but I just don’t do well with the whole dating thing, both of my exes were my friends first and we started sleeping together and it was easy and care-free and comfortable, then the relationship just happened because uhm it’s basically what we were doing. Obviously I do not want to digress I want the normal dating experience but UGH it is just so awkies. <— [Ja’mie reference, if you don’t watch it, check it out on HBO GO].

Sex is pleasant of course but you don’t have to be dating to have sex you just need to be safe and honest. So in the end, will I let you take me out? Probably not. I’m not going to say yes to you just to make you feel better (I stopped putting others feelings before my own a long time ago… well I made some progress I mean lol). Oh and realistically there is a very good chance you just want to sleep with me anyway. Not speaking to all guys, obviously I believe chivalry still exists somewhere, #AugustusWaters. But if you are just asking me out because that is what is “supposed” to be done then that takes me to the final question (by the way you can assume this question is being asked via text message because it is ALWAYS via text message:

I think we should definitely have sex, we are obviously both in the same situation, and we clearly want the same things. Wanna come over [at 2am]?”

NO. I DO NOT WANT TO DRIVE OVER AND HAVE SEX WITH YOU. Just because we are both single DOES NOT mean we have something in common! I wonder sometimes how often that shit ACTUALLY works on girls! I don’t care how stressed or tense or mad or whatever else you think I am that sex will release lol but I will give you a little tip: if you want something from a girl… You need to break out of that mold you have formed from all the little skank girls you’ve slept with who require no effort but showing a minuscule amount of attention. In regard to my past sexual experiences you can be sure that I am not afraid to have sex, the fact is that I have gotten to the point where I know what is good and what isn’t, and I know what I want and what I don’t. I am not going to waste my time and stay up super late in the off chance it may be super disappointing for me. I am not dying for it that badly that I will risk a few extra hours of sleep or actually ANYTHING else for the small possibility of a good time. Everyone knows sex is better when you know the person (yes and when you care about them of course) but knowing them and having a friendship works well too. So booty calls really do nothing for me since you don’t know my body and you have no idea what I am into or anything like that. And sure I don’t know you that well either but I can guarantee you aren’t magic and you cannot just figure me out first attempt and blow my mind. Obviously I cannot speak on that with confidence because there is a chance that there are guys out there with that skill, HOWEVER, if you text me at 2AM I am going to have to assume you are not that guy. Listen boys, you want to treat a girl like a skank then go have mediocre evenings with those girls, not that they are mediocre but we just don’t put in the effort when we are treated like garbage (treat us like that and you don’t deserve our skills).

Treat her with class and dignity and you may just get the chance to sleep with a lady. Trust me the difference is eminent.

Xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Undertow by Warpaint

On the next Intervention: “Help! I think my kitten has joined a Street Gang”

Hello everyone! Today’s post is on a pretty serious subject that I think the world really needs to be informed about: Kitten Gangs.

No, your eyes do not deceive you, nor did my auto correct complete that sentence. Kitten Gangs are very real and growing more common by the SECOND! The most dangerous part about it is that you would never expect their crimes because they are so damn cute! So, now I must move on and tell you, that I fear my kitten has joined a street gang.

I don’t know what to do at this point. I really don’t want to lose her completely but I am so afraid that one of these days she is going to stroll in with blood on her paws. Or maybe I will come home to my electronics having been stolen. Who knows how far she will go once she is in too deep! What is next? What if she turns to using drugs! Cat Nip these days could be laced with Lord knows what! I guess in order for you all to understand I should start at the beginning…

I first noticed the signs right after I began taking Katerina (my kitten) outside. I would have her on a leash in hopes to familiarize her with the neighborhood and etc. but despite how many cats i have seen out being walked by their owners Kat refused to be walked. She just wanted to be able to explore with freedom and I mean I can’t just lock in an adventurous spirit!! So I let her off the leash and ever since then she got the WORST attitude I mean talk about teen angst!  Any time she was inside the house the begging was constant “Mew! Mew! Meeewww!” and there is only so much one can bear. When I would open the door she would dart by me and run out, refusing to return until the early morning hours, sometimes even 3am or later!

One day I let her out and left my slider open while I cleaned up my place, it was a Saturday so I was home, I was hoping she could burn out some energy in an attempt to plan on sleeping in Sunday, plus I could keep on eye on her. All of a sudden I go to the door to listen for her and hear absolutely nothing (which worried me) so I walked out to investigate when I heard it. My Kat was fighting with another cat! I mean she was really holding her own for how small she is and how big the cat was but I was just appalled by this behavior! I yelled at her and got her inside while she hissed at me and was just acting completely wild. Lets just say she was grounded after that.

Next she began her routine of ruining my sleep habits. At night time when I would get into bed THAT is when she decided to be wild and run around my place knocking things over. In the early morning hours of my WEEKEND the incessant meowing and walking all over me until I woke up beame a frequent occurrence. So we agreed that I will let her out in the morning as long as she came back when it got dark. A few nights ago I got home and went over to where she usually explores to call her inside. I heard her meowing and then she hopped up on the wall connecting my backyard with my neighbors (behind our house). She meowed at me and I told her to come inside, then she looked down behind the wall and meowed, all of a sudden the same cat she fought with hopped up next to her… Kat looks at me and does this cute little “mew” basically expecting me to let this cat to sleep over. I mean what a little sneak right? Of course I said no and did not hear the end of that the rest of the night.

What worries me is that I am thinking that cat fight may have been the process of her “getting jumped in” to a Kitten Street Gang. Once I came to that conclusion all of these horrible things ran through my mind: what if all these late nights are the result of the initiation process, maybe she has tasks to complete to prove her loyalty, I mean who knows! I really don’t want her to fall any deeper into this lifestyle, she has such a bright future ahead of her, she is not even a year old yet! Only just turned 7 months old on the 9th!

One last thing is, and this is the worst of all, the cat they call Zorro, I received a text one day from an unknown number asking me how Zorro was. I was very confused and responded saying they had the wrong number, to which the replied “don’t you have that cat Zorro now?”, uhmm no I have never heard of this ‘Zorro’ character… No communication after that. Could this cat known by “Zorro” possibly be the leader of this gang? Maybe word has spread about Kat and that is what inspired the random text? I know I sound paranoid but I am just at the end of my rope here.

Please help free my kitten from the hold this darkness has on her! I cannot do this alone and fear this is my last hope! I just want my little Katerina back!

xoxo.

[Episode Premieres Wednesday 10/15 at 9pm only on A&P/AnimalPlanet]