You don’t listen to her, you don’t care how it hurts, when you lose the one you wanted cuz he’s taken you for granted…

[Lyrics credit: If I Were a Boy by Beyoncé]
Good morning my faithful followers! Let me start out by APOLOGIZING for my temporary hiatus. I am not proud to admit that I got caught up in something that distracted me from my focus on myself. YES, I admit it, I FELL FOR A BOY! Despite my better judgment in all the blog posts I have written WARNING all you ladies from getting deterred from your personal focus I foolishly allowed myself to do EVERYTHING I have encouraged you all NOT to do. I should start following my own advice…..
*WARNING* Long post ahead! Gotta make up for lost time right?
It all started last year, on Valentines Day (the horrible Hallmark holiday that I don’t even believe in) I was perfectly fine staying home alone like I do EVERY Valentines Day, but the Universe had other plans for me. The short version, I met a boy. Not just any boy though, oh no, on this night I met THE boy. Now, I know what you’re thinking, how could I have possibly known he was THE boy after just one chance encounter? Well, that’s easy: I just knew. He was the first boy I had ever met who had shared SO many of the same interests as me (including all the geeky stuff most people tell me NOT to share with anyone I am trying to date). I’m talking about nerdy decals on both of our cars, nerdy inspired tattoos, overwhelming knowledge of films that the vast majority knows nothing about, the whole nine yards.
Okay so let’s get to the good stuff right? So we exchanged Instagram information and I decided to get in touch with him later in the week.
Yeah…
I messaged him first, this is 2016 after all, and what can I say? He intrigued me. We exchanged some witty banter, very sarcastic and hilarious, and then he asked me out. I have to put this in quotes so you can all see what I saw:

Boy: Do you like horror films?
Girl: Yes! I love them!
Boy: Well, there is this theater that I love going to, they do this thing called Friday Night Frights, and this friday they’re doing Tales from the Dark Side…
Girl: Oh! that’s awesome!
Boy: So would you like to… hehe… go with me? :)”

Yep. Just like that. So simple. So adorable. I should have known right there that I was doomed. But this is ME we are talking about. I wanted nothing SERIOUS from this boy. And to be quite honest, I had previously been told some things about this boy which should have been enough to conclude that he was not someone to get involved with! But, me being me, I gave the benefit of the doubt. I mean, the information I had received DID come from his ex-girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned right? Maybe I should make my own judgments instead of basing them on an ex-girlfriend’s opinions right? So, I said yes, and I went on this “date” keeping my guard up with no intention of letting this boy in because I had NO desire to get mixed up with this boy! And I even told him this! I told him I was not looking for a boyfriend, that I did not want him to get any ideas of me being one of those girls who says one thing but does another, secretly planning to trap him in some awful “relationship” scenario. I was trying to hold my independent, free-spirited ground.
Fast forward (please) over the next few weeks of spending a good amount of time together, usually brought about by the boy because I wanted nothing to do with any couple-like behavior! Allow me to now bring the focus to a certain conversation between this boy and myself where he said, and I quote:
Boy: You’re so closed off. Like you have these walls up and I never know what  you’re thinking from one moment to the next.
Girl: Well this is due to my past. I have had some struggles that have left some scars and while I wear them proudly without regret I have learned to be wary of who I open up. Not that I look at everyone the same but in my experience every time I have let down my guard for someone it has resulted in me being hurt.
Boy: Well I want you to open up to me.
[girl lets out a quiet giggle]
Boy: I‘m serious! I know you have been let down in the past but I want you to know that you can come to me for anything. I want to be someone you can count on to always be there for you no matter what.”
No, this is not an exaggeration, he actually said that. This boy actually made me feel BAD for being so closed off, for keeping him at an arm’s length and he assured me that he would not hurt me like so many had before. Oh silly, naive Kara, actually falling for some stereotypical boy talk! Tell me ladies, how many of you have been told something similar by a boy, only to discover him pulling a disappearing act as soon as you begin to open up! But I dunno, I trusted the things he said, I really wanted to believe he meant it. So, this strong independent girl and her sturdy wall (constructed entirely from the sweet talk and empty promises fed to her from all the ghosts of bad boys past) went ahead and hired an entire demolition team specifically trained in the art of tearing down metaphorically built walls. And now you are probably wondering what was discovered in the rubble after this great wall of protection came down… I’m glad you asked!
One word: Vulnerability. Ah yes, just what every girl just wants, to be vulnerable with a boy. [she said with a heavily implied sarcastic undertone]
Okay, this story is looking more like a novel as each paragraph goes on. Let me try to wrap this up.
So, I generously opened up and bestowed my trust in this boy, a boy I put no pressure or demands on other than one simple request that we just remain honest with one another. Like, “Hey we aren’t in a relationship, you’re not my boyfriend, you’re free to do whatever you want and all I ask is for you to please not keep secrets from me. Seeing as we are both adults, participating in an adult relationship of some kind, I think it is only fair to share with one another if we choose to take part in adult activities with anyone else. I mean out of respect to the other person (especially for health reasons)”. I really didn’t think this was an unreasonable request. Some people might even say that it was very open-minded and totally cool of me. Not this boy. Nope! This boy found the request to be asking SO much of him! How dare I ask such a thing. I mean, sure there are girls who demand a ring after sharing the amount of time we had spent together, but not this girl. No way. This girl merely asks the boy to show her a tiny bit of respect.
Do boys understand that not ALL girls do this as a manipulation tactic to gain ammunition for a fight? Some girls actually just prefer to maintain their independence by being entitled to having a choice. Those little details will spare the girl of the potential hurt that usually results from being misled and ultimately finding out (trust me we always find out). I mean, excuse me for wanting to hold onto even an OUNCE of dignity and control over my life, forgive me for expressing to a boy that he is free to do as he pleases while only asking him to AT LEAST allow me the power to CHOOSE whether or not I want things to continue if such situation were to arise. His defense? Oh you are going to LOVE this:

Boy: Well you never asked me if I was okay with those terms.
Girl: You mean the terms of me saying you can do whatever you want but please be honest with me if you sleep with someone else? Those terms?
Boy: Yeah, well, sorry but you’re obviously more than just a “friends with benefits” to me and being honest with you about that made me uncomfortable.
Girl: If I mean more to you than a “friends with benefits” than why are you treating me like I’m less than that?
Boy: ……”

Remember earlier when I said the thing about me giving the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. Add that to the whole “vulnerable” thing and I’m sure you can all guess that there was no moment where a little imaginary light bulb turned on reminding me that I know better than to believe things could ever be different. No, sadly this previously strong independent girl went ahead and did the most idiotic thing possible…. she fell for the guy! *dramatically smacks self on the forehead*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”.

Yeah, you guessed it, it happened again! Let me help you out guys, just in case any of you decide to use this tactic to exhibit some sort of  “rebellion” or in an attempt to prove yourself that you’re a MAN and your business is yours alone. When you do something that you know is wrong and you keep it to yourself, you feel guilty (duh we learn that in like Kindergarten). Of course, in this case, it’s just so silly because technically he was entitled to do whatever he wanted. But the whole “secret keeping” was wrong because he knew all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. Anyway, the guilty feelings just sit in your subconscious eating away at you creating a rather annoying inner dialogue driving you CRAZY and as a result who essentially gets punished? The guy keeping the secret he knows he doesn’t have to be keeping? Oh no, NEVER! Me, the unassuming girl who has done nothing but blindly trust you and do whatever she can to continue building a strong friendship with you, the lying boy! Grrr.
Don’t worry, the end’s not near, it’s here (Band of Horses lyric. Kudos to you if you caught that one). So here we are, present day, and let me take this time to emphasize that this boy is actually a really great guy. And no I am not saying that as some sad little girl who wants to make the world believe he is a good guy but in reality, he treats her terribly. I am saying this as a girl who made plenty of mistakes during the duration of our… whatever it was… it takes two to tango right? Did that boy make some poorly executed decisions? Sure. Did his lack of communication skills make things 10 times more difficult than they needed to be causing little things to be blown tremendously out of proportion? Definitely. But at the same time, when we met he expressed to me that he was unable to handle any sort of relationship at that point in time. So the fault doesn’t lie with either one or the other, the reality is that neither he nor I expected to enjoy each others company as much as we did, and that can be really difficult to handle, especially if you don’t feel like you’re ready for something like that.
In the whole mess of hormones and logic and feelings, ultimately it comes down to this: we are all human. We all find ourselves getting lost in things that are out of our control, but it is our responsibility to either find our way out, or consciously continue therefore no longer being lost. I do not regret a moment I spent with that boy because let me tell you, I had some of the most amazing moments with him, things I doubt I would have ever experienced had I not met him. And, despite the pain I endured, I can still honestly say that he is my best friend. He was there for me for so many mind-numbing talks and he comforted me so many times when he really didn’t have to. The guy who after knowing me a mere four months surprised me with my first trip to Comic-Con for free and accompanied me to my semi-unbearable family functions. He was suffered through endless text messages of my ramblings even when he had no idea who I was talking about. Brainstorming solutions to an insane amount of problems that continued to slam me time and time again. And while I can easily say “I never asked for this, I never asked to fall in love with him” he can say the same thing about me. He never asked for this, he never asked for me to fall in love with him. It’s not like he would ever want to lose our friendship. In a million years I know he would never want that.
Unfortunately, even with my level-headed mature reasoning, I cannot end this without admitting the embarrassing truth. That I am broken. Nothing feels the same anymore. There are days when I don’t even want to get out of bed because facing a day that doesn’t involve him doesn’t even feel worth it. Call me dramatic, go ahead, I don’t care. There was a time where I could care less about dating and then something I didn’t even know I was looking for went ahead and found me. And when it did it was like this weight was just lifted off my shoulders. It was as if I could finally breathe again. I have never known what it felt like to be sure of anything in my entire life until I met him. Now even breathing hurts. Every song I hear and every movie I watch finds a way to remind me of him and it just hurts. And the worst part about all of this is that the one person I want to call who would normally make me feel like everything is going to be okay, I can’t even call. No matter how hard I want to try and make him understand how this feels I just know he will never understand. In his mind, it is just something that happened, something we didn’t mean to happen, but it happened and the only thing left to do is move on. I would literally give anything for his ability to just push things to the back of my mind and move on. But I can’t. All I can do is sit and wonder if this pain will ever go away. I have been in relationships before and obviously, I have gotten over those relationships but the reality is that every guy I have ever dated I always knew wouldn’t last. There was always some very OBVIOUS reason for why it was only temporary. This guy is different. I just wish I could somehow share this with him, without the possibility of him thinking I am just some sad little girl. I just wish he knew that he is the most important person in my life, and how meaningless and empty this life now feels without him.
Don’t people realize that they are capable of completely destroying others? Is it that your self-worth is so low that you find the possibility of affecting someone completely unfathomable?
Well, newsflash, you matter. You’re capable of hurting others. And if you’re going to assume the responsibility of making someone feel good then don’t run away when those good feelings turn bad. Remember, it takes two to tango.
xo. Kara Love

I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together

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Good evening everyone. I was listening to my music on shuffle when the song “Bent” came on by Matchbox Twenty. Not only do I just LOVE that song but the lyrics are just so relateable I felt the urge to blog about it.

I am sure most of you have heard the song but just in case you havent (or maybe you need a refresher) I will include one of the verses for you:

Shouldn’t be so complicated. Just hold me and then, hold me again. Can you help me I’m bent, I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. Keep breakin me in and this is how we will end, with you and me, bent.”

I am sure everyone can relate when it comes to a relationship that completely takes everything from you. So mnuch that in the end you are afraid to move on and date anyone else because a part of you feels missing, like your ex took it with them, when the relationship ended.

This song to me sounds like the person meets someone new but before anything gets serious asks them if they can help fix what was broken by their last relationship. Of course it is not anyone else’s responsibility to take care of you or make everything better but what the artist is saying does make sesne, it shouldn’t be so difficult, your heart is broken why wouldn’t being loved by someone new repair it?

It might not be easy but I do believe that it is up to us to repair our broken hearts and I also think that the next person to love you definitely plays their part in putting all the pieces back together ❤

xoxo

[Currently Listening to: Torn by The Fire and the Sea]

Love is only a great thing because we know what it feels like to have our heart broken… What it feels like to be alone.

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Good morning everyone and hello Saturday! It has been a few days I know, I had a friend visiting from Las Vegas, and it was hard enough to balance time between work and showing her around that blogging was just not an option.

On my last post I received such a lovely comment by an anonymous reader. In the comment he shared with me of a current predicament he is having about his ex girlfriend. He said that they dated for 3 years and in the end he was unhappy in the relationship and was okay with it being over. Now, years later, she is with a new guy and just had a baby. This brought past feelings back up it the surface and has left him upset and confused. He then requested I write a post about lessons you can learn from your exes/past relationships and/or what to do when these old feelings come resurface for no reason at all. So, I want to say thank you for the kind compliments on my writing and for being a dedicated reader, and I hope today’s post gives you the help you are seeking.

To start out, I know that everyone has been in this position at least once in their life, it’s like a right of passage or something to see the one you used to be happy with, happy with someone else. Especially nowadays with social media sites and etc… It’s even easier to causally stumble upon a picture or comment showing you a glimpse of what they’re up to and who they’re dating. It’s pretty much torture. But still we all do it to ourselves time and time again. Even if we don’t go looking for it we still end up hearing it from mutual friends so we really have no way of escaping that inevitable “feels like I just got punched in the stomach” moment. So obviously if you just broke up like barely a month ago and they have already moved on then that totally sucks and there is no questioning why you’re upset about them dating already. But if it’s been like years and you’ve already had closure and dealt with the breakup, then seeing your ex getting married or something stirs your emotions up, that’s when you might ask the question “wtf why do I even care?!”

When the reader came to me with this problem he asked for help because he didn’t understand why he was feeling this way. So many people have this thought process when it comes to ex girlfriends/boyfriends and I think it’s a defense mechanism to ensure they won’t be hurt by the breakup any longer than they absolutely have to. But people often convince themselves that once they are “over it” (meaning no longer thinking of them, texting them, talking about them, etc) they become invincible to being affected by anything associated with that ex. So, they see their ex announcing their wedding or baby or any other life event that may catch their eye, they get that rush of emotions and they’re like “I don’t understand. I’m over them.” And etc… Well here’s a news flash for all of you: deep down you do understand. You may not see it in that moment or maybe your pride is preventing you from admitting it to yourself but you know those feelings NEVER go away. I mean if you spent a significant amount of your life with that person then it doesn’t matter how long it’s been or how okay you are being broken up.

Sometimes things don’t work out between people and it’s nobody’s fault”

There will always be those certain moments when you see something in their life and the wheels in your head start to turn with all of the “what if’s”. What if you stayed together? Would it have worked out? Would you two be planning a wedding or expecting a baby? Maybe these exact questions aren’t running through your mind but your emotional reaction may as we’ll be those questions translated into that “feeling in the pit of your stomach”. Most of the time it’s not even really about them, it’s really your own insecurities being cloaked by the idea that you want them back, emotions can be super tricky sometimes. You could be at a point where you’re wanting to settle down yourself and you just haven’t met “the one” yet, and you see the last important person in your life doing these things, so even though you want to be happy for them you cannot help but dwell on the idea that it “should be you”.

As far as your question goes, what to do when this situation arises and what lessons can be learned from your ex, well the answers sort of go hand in hand. You sit back and you remind yourself of how lucky you are to have loved someone that much, so much that you STILL get knots in your stomach when you see them living their life with someone else, some people don’t even come close. So instead of spending your time dwelling on the past or feeling sad and alone, focus on how good it was to know what being loved feels like, and the confidence that you will definitely feel it again when you meet the right person.

Well yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, I guess what I’m feeling is like a, beautiful sadness.

xoxo.

[Currently Listening to: Radio by Alkaline Trio]

I will swallow my pride. You’re the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye.

20131211-145040Okay everyone I know that with Christmas approaching everyone may want something warm and romantic to read to spread some holiday cheer. Unfortunately, that is not what you are going to get from this post, so I apologize in advance.

Lately I have been witnessing relationships falling apart around me. I gotta say I am not sure what is worse, going through a breakup myself, or seeing my closest friends go through one and not be able to do anything about it. I am sure most of you are willing to say that it is way worse to be the one experiencing the breakup first hand. I am just not sure. On one side I think, yeah, I recall a time where I felt as though I may never recover over the loss of a boyfriend. But, because of that, I think how awful for one of my friends to be going through that since I know how bad it was for me.

We all have different experiences with relationships but I find that with mine there is a pattern where in the end it is as if I am just begging them to say or do something so that I can change my mind. That is just the worst isn’t it? I mean you just love someone SO much and all you want is for it to work but you have just done everything you can possibly do and you know you have to end it but you don’t want to. So even in the final moments when you are breaking up with them you still give them that one last chance to change your mind so that you can forget about the whole thing and start over. There are times when I look back on it and I think “wow am I pathetic or what” but then again is it pathetic to love someone so much that you aren’t ready to give up hope that it could possibly work out?

Then there is the whole thing where we just DON’T want to admit that we failed at something. Yeah, that isn’t just about jobs or school, it’s also relationships too. When you think about it you put more pressure on yourself with making a relationship work than probably anything else in this world. You have family and friends who are all observing your EVERY move and anytime something goes wrong they are all making assumptions about your ability to do something. So when you have a boyfriend you present him to your friends and family like he is a fucking PRINCE. Then the reality sets in and you start to fight or he does stuff that annoys you (because let’s face it nobody’s perfect) and you vent to your sister or brother or best friend, that’s all it takes, the image they have of him is forever changed. So from then on there is something inside of us that refuses to give up on this relationship for the fear of hearing “I told you so” from the rest of the world. We just want to do something RIGHT for once, is that so hard to ask?

The final reason why we struggle so hard in letting go of the idea that there is a glimmer of hope in the relationship that is crumbling to pieces before our very eyes is, of course, our altered perception of the person we fell in love with. Human beings are a confusing mess of secrets and lies. It isn’t always to intentionally deceive others, sometimes we do it to protect ourselves from getting hurt, and sometimes we just get so lost along the way that we forget the facade we have put up isn’t really who we are. The point is that when you meet someone and you think “wow this guy is so nice and funny and charming and bla bla bla” in a year or two you may begin to discover that he is actually a total asshole who treats you like shit. Unfortunately, you have been dating him for so long that by the time you started to figure this out, you have already fallen in love with the nice guy you thought he was! So the relationship starts to become volatile and you know deep down it is unhealthy so you decide to end it. Then that little voice in your head pops up and says “but wait, remember how he was when you first met, he can be that guy again”. However, that voice happens to be an ignorant little bitch, so it would be best to NEVER take the advice from a voice in your head (not to mention that listening to voices in your head could make people think you are crazy). The point is that if someone was super nice and sweet and loving in the beginning and then somewhere down the line becomes a total jerk and starts calling you things like “slut” or says things like “you’re useless” then chances are, even if deep down he is a nice guy like before, he isn’t anymore. So stop being delusional and get the fuck out of that relationship. LIKE NOW.

I am not saying it is messed up to love someone who is a total piece of shit, because I have done it, I think we all have. I am pretty sure even girls we can admit to a time in our lives where we were in fact the ones who acted like the piece of shit in the relationship. Sometimes, even if it is the guy who turns out to be the asshole it is in fact us girls who drive him to be that way, we can be pretty crazy. So whatever the case may be that the relationship is ending, the point is that it is in fact ending, and when it does you just need to let it go. There is nothing you can do to make something turn out how you want it to. Nothing you could ever do could make someone who doesn’t love you anymore, love you again, even if they loved you once. You can’t change someone else all you can do is change yourself. But you also can’t change yourself because someone wants you to.

At the end of the day, you can beg and plead all you want, but if something were meant to be then you wouldn’t have to.

xoxo.